Waiting To Die
by Funky In Fishnet
Summary: Set the Raw Lita lost her baby. Lita doesn't want to live when she loses her baby and hangs in the place between life and death. Her spirit guardians help her decide where she wants to end up.


_**Disclaimer**: I own nothing._

_**Author Notes**: Been writing this since the week Lita lost her baby and those haunting pictures of her lying in the hospital bed with Kane sitting beside her. It also contains references to events that happened in ECW. I hope this all makes sense. Hope you enjoy it. _

_Out of a blue mood comes a peculiar fanfiction. I blame the pain pills. _

**Waiting To Die**

Peace. It was the first peace Lita had felt in a long time. Before Kane had gotten her pregnant. Before Kane had terrorised her boyfriend. Before Kane had targeted her. Lying in a glorious haze of white that felt soft and comforting to her aching skin. She could make out voices, some nice, some threatening. They were all talking to her, trying to get some sort of response out of her. But she wasn't talking, to them, to herself, to anyone. After so long staring at the white tiled ceiling, she'd finally closed her eyes to embrace the comforting darkness.

She felt like she was floating, she was aware of her body. She knew she was lying on a hospital bed, swathed in clean white sheets and parts of her body were plugged with tubes. She knew that a hulking figure of a broken man was slumped beside her. Kane had been surprisingly silent ever since the news had been broken to them that their baby was gone. The baby she'd never wanted in the first place but now felt like her life was incomplete without.

She didn't want to wake up.

She welcomed the liquids that flowed from plastic tubes into her veins and kept her heart beating and her body alive. It meant she didn't have to wake up and live by herself. Have to depend on her own fragile sense of being and even weaker caterpillar body to keep herself alive. She didn't want to do that. To have to live with herself everyday and the sickly daisy chain of events which had lead to the fact that she, Lita, had killed her own child. A child she had never wanted, wrought of demon blood and her own miserable essence.

Lita shifted on her bed and realised that in her mind's eyes she was somewhere else. She was no longer in the hospital but in an airless white room. The darkness had lifted it seemed. She looked down and saw her bare feet, toenails painted bright ruby red. She frowned. This was strange. Was it an out of body experience? A hallucination? Whatever it was, she grateful she didn't have to go back to reality. She'd stay here as long as possible.

Slowly she stepped forward. The floor was solid and squishy. Like padding almost. As she reached up to brush her hair away from her face, she realised she was wearing a long white gown. Her hospital gown. It seemed some things weren't going to change. The room didn't seem to have any doors or windows. A perfect sugar cube of a prison. No way to get out or in so how had she got there?

"Hello?" she tried, her voice sounding weak even to her ears.

"Hello," a voice cheerfully replied from somewhere above her. "I thought I'd find you here."

Lita looked up and was completely surprised to see Molly Holly flying down towards her from an unguessable height. Flying down as in using a large pair of snowy white wings that were fixed to her back. Lita gulped. This had to be a hallucination.

"There we go," announced Molly, neatly landing with her knees bent and a flutter of her wings. "Now how are you?"

"I've been better," managed Lita.

"Of course you have, silly question. Sorry for asking,"

Lita openly gaped at the woman before her. The outside appearance was of Molly, the bad ass chick who had fought so many of the divas with a jealous rage. Only her hair had grown back. It reached the nape of her neck, nestling in liquidy curls and shone a pretty coppery colour. She was dressed in a flattering green strappy top with snug white pants, prettier and more summery than anything she'd worn in recent memory. It was more like the Molly Holly who had first appeared in the WWE alongside her cousin Crash. Her chirpy friendly personality was also back. Lita frowned. This was getting all too weird.

"What are you staring at?" asked Molly suddenly, her smile wide and inviting.

"You…….you have wings," managed Lita, lifted a hand to gesture.

"Aren't they pretty? I wanted butterfly wings but Raven wouldn't let me. He said I'd disappear in all the colour and that white makes me look most beautiful," rambled Molly, with a glance backwards at her neatly folded wings which reacted to every move of her body.

"Raven?"

"Yeah Raven, you know him," giggled Molly.

Before Lita could properly form a sentence there was a sound like a lightning crack and then a dark figure appeared in the corner of the cube.

"You called Miss Molly?" it asked, humour characterising his words.

"Raven, we were just talking about you!" laughed Molly.

"I heard."

"Well Lita's arrived."

"So I see. Welcome Lita."

Lita opened and shut her mouth. She had the feeling she probably resembled a fish. She didn't know what the hell was happening but it was getting incredibly weird. It almost made her want to wake up and face reality. Almost.

"Ok what the hell is going on here?" she said finally. "I feel like I'm stuck in some weird alternate universe. I want an explanation now."

"Almost right. You're in the place between life and death, sleep and awake," replied Raven calmly. "You're in your own subconscious plain, waiting to decide to die."

Lita looked at him wordless and overwhelmed. Not much had changed about Raven it seemed. Still the fortune cookie mystic with a sombre dark outlook. His appearance as always showed it. He wore a green and black plaid kilt and a beaten up black leather jacket. Inscribed on his bare chest was the word 'FATE' in thick black letters. His jet black hair nearly reached his shoulders and his eyes were outlined in black as well with streaks falling from them like inky tear trails. The only unusual thing was the glossy black wings from his back which snapped briskly as he moved. For some reason, it didn't totally surprise her

"Ok so I'm unconscious and this is a daydream or something. But what are you doing here?" she asked.

"Molly called me," said Raven simply as though it was the most logical thing in the world.

"I mean here in my subconscious. I know if I'm dreaming I wouldn't have thought of you two in a million years,"

Raven shrugged and slid an arm around Molly's waist who treated him to a dazzling smile.

"We're Spirit Guardians," he replied.

"Spirit guardians? You do this as a job on the side? What's the pay like?"

"This is who we really are Lita," answered Molly. "On Earth, we pretend to be other people but when people need us, we're here to help them properly."

"That is all we can tell you Lita. I'm sorry," Raven said shortly. "Now are you willing to trust us?"

Lita looked at them carefully and was surprised to find nothing inside of her that screamed for her to run away. Instead she felt comfortable and comforted by their presences, no matter how strange or unexplained. Slowly she nodded.

"Oh good then we can start," said Molly, clapping her hands excitedly. "We're here to look after you Lita. You've lost a lot and right now, you're hung in a place where you want to die but you don't want to let go of life. We're here to help you make that choice."

Molly's words deeply penetrated Lita's consciousness.

"You mean, I could die if I wanted to?" she whispered in disbelief.

"If that is your wish," confirmed Raven.

Lita thought about it. It would take her away from all the pain. Away from consoling colleges who'd treat her like an invalid or try and make her take time off. Away from her unwanted husband who was now a shell of the angry burning man she'd lived in fear of for so long.

"I haven't got anything to live for," Lita said quietly. "Not now that my baby's gone."

"Very well."

Raven lifted his hands and dark lightning crackled at his fingertips. The white cube suddenly darkened and a roaring filled Lita's ears. She could feel a great pressure pushing against her from all sides but couldn't work out where it was coming from. She couldn't see Molly or Raven anymore but felt their presences nearby. Pain exploded all over her body

"This is what dying feels like," she thought faintly, as pain seared through her mind.

Just as she was falling to her knees, everything stopped. Light flooded the cube again hurting her eyes and she could clearly make out Molly and Raven stood before her.

"That is what dying feels like," confirmed Raven. "Your thoughts here are as clear as words spoken aloud. And you're wrong; you have a lot to live for."

"I don't have a job at the moment because I'm on leave; I have a husband who married me out of spite. My baby is dead. The man I really care about's been practically killed to keep him out of my life," listed Lita numbly. "I don't think I have anything to live for."

Molly's feet seemed to skim the floor as she gently fluttered her way to Lita's side, her usually sunny smile now melting into a concerned frown.

"You have Jeff," she supplied. "He depends on you."

Jeff. Always phoning to check that Kane was treating her alright. Sending her a tiny present when he heard about her pregnancy, reasoning that a baby (no matter who its father) was reason for celebration. The letters he wrote to her that somehow always managed to find her at the many hotels she ended up crashing at on the road.

_Be strong Lita. I can come see you whenever you like. Kane's cool with me, I've never given him much trouble before and even though I'm Matt's brother, I think he'd trust me to talk with you. Everyone thinks I'm a harmless nut – I told you that would come in useful one day! When the baby's born, Beth and I'll help you take care of it. Well Beth'll take care of it and I'll corrupt it from a young age to jump off buildings with me. We're gonna be here for you, no matter what happens._

Now he was wrestling with an indie promotion and really enjoying wrestling again after a long sabbatical way from it to get his head properly together. He'd hated the endless schedule and punishing rules the WWE worked by and had finally found some semblance of noisy peace amid his artistic shambolic endeavours. He'd been a great rock to her during the turbulent turn her life had taken recently, ironic considering how crazy his own life was. But he'd taken good care of her, treating like the sister he'd always wished he'd had.

"I have Jeff," Lita whispered at last. "He has Beth. He'd get by without me."

"He depends on you Lita," continued Molly. "You've been there for him and now he's being there for you. You can't just leave him now."

Lita sighed, feeling frustration bubble up inside of her. She tucked her feet under her cross-legged and rested her chin on her steepled hands.

"You're just confusing me Molly," she moaned. "I want to get away from here, from reality, just go to a place where there isn't any pain or anything to hurt me in any way. I've had too much hurt recently to go through any again."

"If you keep going then you'll break through the pain," encouraged Molly. "If Raven did it then so could you."

Lita paused and looked up at Raven who offered a somewhat subdued smile in return.

"Life has tried to run me down several times but I have persevered," he replied. "I have not lost a child like you have but I have been put through trials."

"And you're offering me advice?" Lita sounded incredulous.

"It is my duty and destiny to guide lost souls like you. I take joy from it." Raven's answer seemed almost sarcastic considering the blank expression on his face. "I know Jeff well from our collective time together in the WWE and the NWA-TNA. He depends on you greatly for support; you are his surrogate big sister. Without you, I doubt he could continue his climb back into the spotlight."

"Jeff's strong, he has Beth," protested Lita.

"Yes and she's a great help to him. But he needs you, not as a lover, but as a friend who hasn't walked away because of his flakiness or his tardy attitude," Molly chirped up, fluttering her wings in a way that distracted Lita. "You're his rock."

Silence cloaked the room again as Lita let the information sink into her tired confused brain. Raven raised a hand, directing it gently towards one of the soft white walls and turned away just as a picture appeared on it. It was looking down at the hospital bed where Lita lay, dressed entirely in white and Kane hunkered down next to her, cradling one of her limp hands in one of his. It was disconcerting to see herself like that and Lita found she had to look away.

"He's changed you know," said Molly softly, touching a feather light hand to Lita's shoulder. "He's not the way he was before you two got intertwined. He's softened a little and he does care for you, in a different way to you're used to but he does care. I promise."

"You mean in the 'force you into a marriage kind of caring'?" Lita snorted. "He's a pig and a monster. There can never be anything but hatred between us."

"I remember saying the same thing to Beulah," murmured Raven thoughtfully, lost in vapid memories. "She had caused the rift between myself and Tommy, turned my best friend against me but now she wanted me. Eventually I let her into my flock."

"But she betrayed you Raven," pointed out Lita. "She left you for Tommy. In the end, she was nothing but a bitch."

"I talk to her now. Molly and I went to see her when Tommy decided to quit wrestling. She's somewhat of a friend and I don't regret the time I spent with her as her lover," replied Raven. "Life is all about learning and letting go."

Lita glanced at the moving images on the screen again. Kane lifted his head and wiped his face with a massive hand. She peered closer, suddenly insatiably curious. Tears spilled from his eyes and with no one around to see him, Kane wore his grief openly.

"He cries for you," said Raven softly. "He mourns the child he nearly had and now he cries for you. The mother without a child, his lonely disappearing wife. Are you going to leave him now?"

"That is not fair! You can't put all this on me! I can't be there for him, I don't love him. I love Matt," protested Lita but she could hear the weakness in her words.

Molly dropped down to the floor so that she was looking into Lita's eyes. Lita stared back, noticing for the first time that her friend seemed to carry unbearable sadness with her. In Molly's eyes, she felt like she was seeing the expanses of the universe gleam back at her. Raven had the same sparkling quality to his own blackened pupils. If Raven embodied the darkness then Molly was the light.

"You do care for him though," Molly whispered. "In some strange way, you do care for him. It's like when prisoners gain love for their jailers. Maybe it'll blossom into something special or maybe you'll just end up being his only friend. We're not asking you to love him. You're the only one he'll let near him. You have to care for him."

Lita looked at the screen and was surprised to feel her heart skip a little as she watched Kane carefully brush strands of her loose hair away from her face. There was something akin to gentleness on his face. He had stayed with her, he hadn't abandoned her as soon as he'd heard the news his baby was dead. He hadn't left her. That had to mean something. To Lita's surprise, it did.

"It is worth giving it a chance," called Raven, his voice sounding oddly distant. "You have much more to accomplish before you see us as we are again."

"She's made her choice," agreed Molly sounding equally distant. "Be happy Lita!"

Lita tried to reply but found the words stuck in her throat. She turned to look at Molly and Raven but found herself staring at whirling chaotic white. A strong wind seemed to be blowing her along. Then suddenly she felt herself falling and with a bump a soft thick mattress caught her. Her fingers found warm crisp sheets and tangled with an IV tube plugged into her hand. She took a deep life-affirming breath and cautiously opened her eyes. The light burned them but she persisted against the pain to see equipment to one side of her, bleeping quietly at a reassuring steady rhythm. There was a curtain pulled around her bed, shading her from all inquiring eyes. A gentle pressure held one of her hands safely. She turned her head slightly, surprised to find that the movement didn't hurt. Kane looked back at her, for once all his burning anger washed from his face.

"You're awake," he stated, no emotion colouring his words.

"I'm back," Lita corrected absently, inspecting his face with her eyes carefully. "I'm sorry our baby's gone Kane. I know how much you wanted it."

He waved aside her apologies with a shake of his head.

"It's not your fault Lita. It's that son of a bitch Snitzy. He'll pay, don't worry."

"I wasn't worried."

There was a silence as the two uncertainly regarded each other, trapped in an awkward moment they weren't quite sure how to traverse. Lita clenched her other hand, a strength flowing through her at the thought that she could move. She would recover from this. She'd rebuild herself better than before.

"Thanks for waiting for me to wake up Kane," she said softly, hoping he could read her eyes.

There was a short pause as he looked at her, a frown puckering his face but all he could see was sincerity in her face. The righteous anger and cruelty that he'd built up against her crumbled. He felt her squeeze his hand gently and to his surprise it made him smile.

"No problem," he replied at last.

They stayed in comfortable silence for a long time and they didn't stop holding hands.


End file.
